kiss and tell

I am the girl who is a promoter of worth.  I am the girl who is a strong advocate for girls who don't feel good enough or have self doubt or don't respect themselves. And as for myself, I am confident in who I am I'm Christ, in where my value is found, and have always respected myself as a young woman in society. Or so I thought.

In this past year, I went a little crazy. I didn't become crazy over night, it didn't happen over a couple of weeks, but slowly over the year, I began to "go crazy." For me, this phrase "going crazy" is synonymous with the eroding of my soul, the numbing of my emotions, and the quenching of the spirit. 

I began to find my worth in things people said to me or things I did. In my mind, I knew I was valuable, I could recite any verse to you about being loved or being a child of God, but in my heart, I began to find value in what other people thought. I gained confidence when guys checked me out. Instead of an annoyance when a guy "cat called" at me, I got a little pep in my step. I began to crave the affirmation of an "up down" from random guys in bars. And I began to see men as objects of my bidding, rather than human beings. 

During this time I flirted excessively, kissed way too many guys, and always got exactly what I wanted. I learned to manipulate situations. I used guys for my pleasure and allowed them to use my body. And I wasn't ashamed of any of my actions, nor did I want to stop.   

Then, at the beginning of summer, I encountered a young man, who I wrote off as just another guy who I could manipulate and use. But he was different, he told me no. He told me he respected me. He was the first person to point out to me that I had grown accustomed to being used. The amount of guys I had kissed didn't impress him and my willingness didn't sway him. And with that encounter, he helped change my lifestyle and helped point me back in the direction I needed to be going. 

And even though I have this renewed perception of myself and of God, it is still a daily battle. Every time a guy ignores me or a friend brushes me off, I want to run back to who I was. I want to return to the security of being "wanted." But I have to remember I am a new creation in Christ. And I have God fighting with me, fighting for me. And that I am wanted and loved. 

This was one of the hardest posts I've ever written because it shows my brokenness and vulnerability as a human. But this is for you.  More than anything, I wanted you to know that you are so much more than what people say about you. You are not a lesser person because of your life experiences or lack there of. 

You don't have put yourself out there to be wanted. You are beautiful and so incredibly loved no matter what you have done or haven't done. YOU ARE WANTED AND LOVED.