Then, there is the side who embraces challenge, who greets every day as a force that cannot be stopped, and who runs off of coffee and emergen c. She see's a challenge in the fact that within six weeks she's supposed to: study for the biggest test of her life, start school full time after two years off, work 40 hours a week, help plan a wedding, plan and execute a bridal shower, spend a weekend in Texas, travel to a wedding, deal with a death, attend a memorial service and somehow take time for herself and take time to rest. And she runs with the challenge. She schedules, plans, delegates, and prepares. Because that girl is a conqueror.
But what the go getter side of me didn't account for was how hard it would be to keep that box of nicely wrapped emotions closed. I didn't know that for the first time in my life I would struggle with school. I never imagined that it would become too stressful to drive in a car without multitasking or that my first and last thoughts of every say would become "what do I need to do." I didn't realize the amount of emotional baggage and drama that would come with this season of planning. I didn't expect the sense of aloneness that I would feel while trying to connect to others. And I didn't schedule for people to let me down or for unkindness to be prevalent in my day to day. I learned that my logical separation of my to do list and my emotions did not have an impermeable boundary.
Even though I try my hardest to keep the bad parts hidden from the public (because my life really is incredibly FULL of goodness and joy and I'd rather people see that), sometimes the two sides of me collide. Sometimes my life is messier than I plan. Sometimes in the wrong moments, I allow that nicely wrapped box to open. Sometimes when the contents of that box mix with my to do list, my heart races for hours on end, my head spins, and my vision blurs. But even in the messy, chaotic, can't breathe moments, I know I will be okay. I fix my eyes upon Jesus. Upon his grace, creation, and legacy. I focus on the Love GOD demonstrates tangibly through the people who love me. I choose joy. I have to choose joy. I have to seek kindness. I have to find beauty in the daily. Because otherwise, I just might drown.
Daily I have to wake up and speak TRUTH and light into my own life. I find a sense of normalcy in my day. I force my self to not just go through the motions, but to fully embrace life. Step by step, moment by moment, I remember to breathe. I'm learning that it's okay for the two parts of my life to overlap, that even go-getters need to sometimes to feel emotions. I'm seeing what's it's like for these two parts of me to healthily share a space. But I still pray daily that I will only experience a little overlap, not a full overlay. Because to tell you the truth, I'm not as strong as I should be.
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