I still need feminism

I need feminism because I have been taught to yell fire if I am attacked, instead of help! or rape!. 

I need feminism because when I walk to my car alone at night, in my gated community in the third safest city in Southern California, I put my keys between my fingers as a weapon, have my phone unlocked and ready to call someone, and have every exit route planned in my head.

I need feminism because I am told to never go anywhere alone, but am made fun of for going to the bathroom in groups. 

I need feminism because I worked on a staff with only male supervisors. I need feminism because I was told women couldn't be supervisors there because the other guys on the team would not listen to girls. 

I need feminism because I am terrified to drive next to semi trucks because I have been creeped out by way too many drivers making graphic gestures towards me. 

I need feminism because I hear kids on the play ground insult others for being weaker by calling them a girl or a sissy. Because I have a ten year old boy in my class who doesn't respect or listen without arguing to any woman teacher (the authority), but as soon as any man gives him an instruction, he follows it without question. 

I need feminism because if I am being hit on, my "no" doesn't have enough validity for a man to stop, but telling him I have a boyfriend, using another man, will automatically make him turn away. 

I need feminism because I have to watch a bartender make my drink. I need feminism because if a strange man buys me a drink, I make him take the first sip. 

I need feminism because it's not wierd that I have to check in with my friends half way through a first date. 

I need feminism because I share my location with my roommates if I am meeting a new person. Because I share my location if I am going somewhere new. Because I share my location if I am going by myself anywhere after dark. 

I need feminism because my body is shameful. Because I have been told to cover up my body because it might tempt boys. Because it is my fault and it is my actions that have caused him to lust. 

I need feminism because I have cried with girls who have been shamed into thinking that their rape is their own fault. That their demeanor and clothing choice was the cause. 

I need feminism because there is a whole purity culture that promotes rape culture. I need feminism because there are people who don't believe rape culture exists. 

I need feminism because I have been told a man will never want to marry me because I am a feminist. 

I need feminism because I am told I cannot be a stay at home mom if I am a feminist. 

I need feminism because I am mocked for being a feminist. 

I need feminism because these reasons are all my personal experience and there are many other women(and men) who need feminism because of darker experiences. 

I need feminism because even in my limited, sheltered worldview, I still need feminism. 

*I also need feminism because there are unborn children being killed because they may have genetic abnormalities or because they are a socio-economic problem. Because those girls and boys don't have equal rights. I need feminism because women are shamed for having an abortion, but also shamed for being a single mom. I need it because I live in a society where people are pro-birth but not pro life. Because I live in a society that doesn't care for the orphans and the widows. I need feminism because education is not equal. I need feminism because I believe in equality. But that's for another post. 

a feminist who believes in submission, biblically.

     There are so many other, more important issues I could write about, that hurt my heart, that make me so angry my body shakes, but even for some reason this is a highly debated topic and I already wrote about it a couple years ago. When in conversations with others I have trouble articulating this point, but 

People are so beautiful and unique and created so wonderfully diversely. We were created with individual strengths, weaknesses, talents, and abilities. Not one person is created alike and I love that about the human race. 

I think this is why the anti-feminist/feminism is not biblical mentality really grinds my gears. I don't understand how someone can be lesser of a person because they are a women makes sense, how that thought or practice is loving. 

Up until the middle of college, I had always had a negative view of feminism. I laughed at people who though women could actually be leaders, who thought women would actually be equal to men.  But I  realized that  God made me and every other person, with a purpose and for a purpose. That women are the crown jewel of creation. That they are loved equally and are redeemed equally. I realized that women, in God's eyes are absolutely not lesser. 

     But then, there's that little verse in Ephesians about submission that throws everyone into a frenzy. 

(Ephesians 5:22 "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also should wives submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”)

There is such a taboo in society with the word submission, it has become a negative word.  But there is a juxtaposition between societies view of what submission is in relation to Ephesians 5:22  and what God’s example of what submission is. Submitting doesn't mean letting another person make all your decisions for you. It doesn't mean that the persons submittings opinion is invalid. It doesn't mean they're a lesser person. It's a matter of  Submission, in Greek (the language the actual bible was written in) is the word hupotasso, which means: “to place yourself under, to give allegiance to, to tend to the needs of, to be responsive to." The word hupotasso comes from two words: upo, meaning under, and tasso, meaning to place in order. It infers that submission is placing oneself under one another, out of “reverence of respect." Basically this means placing the needs of others ahead of her [or his] own, which is loving unconditionally. 

     This idea of unconditional love of God is woven throughout the Bible. Jesus says in John chapter fifteen that “greater love has no one than this, that he lay his life down for his friend." Jesus sacrifices his life for his creation, he surrendered everything. He placed the needs of others ahead of his own, he submits. 

In the same way, as Christ is the head of the church, the husband is the head of the marriage. He needs to be prepared and willing whole heartedly to sacrifice his life for his wife, to love and to submit to her. Not only do wives need to submit to their husbands; husbands also need to submit to their wives.

     But, submission is not a “one way street”. A relationship goes two ways. In order for a relationship to function healthily, each person (husband and wife, parent and child, friend and friend, etc.) need to put forth one-hundred percent of their allegiance, effort, and love. They cannot each give fifty percent, with the intensions of meeting half way, each of them needs to be in full surrender. Just as Christ was with his life, and just as the Church should be towards Christ.

    This isn't a feminist matter or a men are better than women matter, it's a loving people matter. It's a getting up every day and choosing to love people unconditionally. If we got this right, the world would be such a better place. 

of darkness & pain, kindness & joy

In this season, there are two sides to me. The side who writes letters to the world about the darkness and pain, about kindness and joy. The side who, everyday embraces every emotion. Who presses into the pain and the joy, allowing every feeling to cripple her. The side who acknowledges these emotions, then carefully boxes them up and sets them aside. 

Then, there is the side who embraces challenge, who greets every day as a force that cannot be stopped, and who runs off of coffee and emergen c. She see's a challenge in the fact that within six weeks she's supposed to: study for the biggest test of her life, start school full time after two years off, work 40 hours a week, help plan a wedding, plan and execute a bridal shower, spend a weekend in Texas, travel to a wedding, deal with a death, attend a memorial service and somehow take time for herself and take time to rest. And she runs with the challenge. She schedules, plans, delegates, and prepares. Because that girl is a conqueror.

But what the go getter side of me didn't account for was how hard it would be to keep that box of nicely wrapped emotions closed.  I didn't know that for the first time in my life I would struggle with school. I never imagined that it would become too stressful to drive in a car without multitasking or that my first and last thoughts of every say would become "what do I need to do." I didn't realize the amount of emotional baggage and drama that would come with this season of planning. I didn't expect the sense of aloneness that I would feel while trying to connect to others. And I didn't schedule for people to let me down or for unkindness to be prevalent in my day to day. I learned that my logical separation of my to do list and my emotions did not have an impermeable boundary. 

Even though I try my hardest to keep the bad parts hidden from the public (because my life really is incredibly FULL of goodness and joy and I'd rather people see that), sometimes the two sides of me collide. Sometimes my life is messier than I plan. Sometimes in the wrong moments, I allow that nicely wrapped box to open. Sometimes when the contents of that box mix with my to do list, my heart races for hours on end, my head spins, and my vision blurs. But even in the messy, chaotic, can't breathe moments, I know I will be okay. I fix my eyes upon Jesus. Upon his grace, creation, and legacy. I focus on the Love GOD demonstrates tangibly through the people who love me.  I choose joy. I have to choose joy. I have to seek kindness. I have to find beauty in the daily. Because otherwise, I just might drown.

Daily I have to wake up and speak TRUTH and light into my own life. I find a sense of normalcy in my day. I force my self to not just go through the motions, but to fully embrace life. Step by step, moment by moment, I remember to breathe.  I'm learning that it's okay for the two parts of my life to overlap, that even go-getters need to sometimes to feel emotions. I'm seeing what's it's like for these two parts of me to healthily share a space. But I still pray daily that I will only experience a little overlap, not a full overlay.  Because to tell you the truth, I'm not as strong as I should be.