I don't know exactly when it happened or exactly why, but around November of last year, I started telling people I was twenty-three. It wasn't a conscious decision or even one I knew I was making, when people would ask my age, I would tell them 23 and I believed it. Sometime in the four months after turning twenty-two, I stopped feeling 22. My body, mind, and soul had aged at least a year without me even knowing.
I had high hopes and expectations of twenty two, I mean Taylor Swift had an entire upbeat song about how wonderful it was to be feeling twenty two. It was going to be my year. I was a new graduate with plans of beginning my career, I thought I was going to soon enter into a relationship with a man who I had only ever dreamed of dating, I was applying for leases to live with my best friends, my summer had been full of adventure and was only just beginning, and I was feeling 22. What could stop me?
Then, after two amazing weeks in the mountains at camp, I came back to the reality of adulthood with a heart full of love from the Lord, a head aware of how quickly any plans can crumble, and a body covered in bed bug bites. My life quickly went from high hopes and expectations to a hot mess and completely relying on the Lord because I had nothing.
Within one week, I quit my internship that I thought was going to lead me to my career, I lost all my hours at my job where I found my identity and worth, I ended an unhealthy "relationship" which I had begged God for weeks to be a good thing and from Him [but it wasnt], and I moved out of my apartment, put most of my belongings in storage, and began to live out of my car.
I will laugh and joke when I tell you I was homeless/ without a permanent home/ a gypsy, but the repercussions and burden of that month, changed and shaped who I am today and still sometimes effect me . A month into being twenty two and I was completely emptied of myself, my strength only came from the Lord.
Looking back on those first two months of being twenty two, I am thankful for the lessons I learned and the disciplines I was taught. I needed my relationship with God to be the way it became, I needed to not rely on my self and my own ways. I needed it because twenty two was a heavy year. I needed it when I was searching for a job, when I was living with my best friend in a one car garage with no windows and no closet, when my car got broken into and most of my important belongings were stolen. I needed it when I was so broke I had to make the decision between buying food and buying gas. I needed it when I was mourning the death of a mom/mentor/friend, when I told one of her best friends that she died, when I carried in my arms and accompanied her beautiful baby girl and three year old boy to their mommy's "party". I needed it as I watched one of my precious two year olds slowly lose grip of the world and suffer unceasing pain. I needed it when I felt insecure, on those mornings where I saw no reason to get out of bed. I needed it when I found no worth in my identity in anything in this world.
I needed to KNOW that my life was not my own and that I didn't have to face those things/trials/other powers alone.
I am thankful for this past year. I am thankful for my weakness, because in it, HIS strength is made complete. Sometimes I wish I could pretend this year didn't happen, that it wasn't that bad [and if I play the comparison game, it isn't]. I wish I could pretend I didn't cry myself to sleep for many weeks. Unfortunately, I can't. This year did happen. But with the heaviness came the ability to see even more joy in the little things and to celebrate even more in the big things. Because even if twenty two was heavy, it was also wonderful. I had the privilege of: being a camp cabin leader for two weeks and two weekends, driving my sister to Texas for college, being a nanny on an amazing trip to Florida with a fantastic family, visiting my sister in Houston, road tripping to Utah, witnessing one of my closest college friends get married, watching healing happen in a precious two year old boy, checking many items off my bucket list, meeting my new cousin, renewing and creating beautiful friendships, becoming known at a coffee shop, adventuring with my best friends, and SO many more things. I am thankful for pain and loss because the little things and celebrations are so much sweeter.
Adieu 22.
You won't be missed.
Although it is only May and this appears as a pre-birthday post, a farewell to twenty two and a hello to the real twenty three and even though my birthday is still two months [exactly] away. I am already ready for the real twenty three. But I'm not going to live my life in anticipation of a day. Everyday I am again going to push the renew button and choose joy in my life because I am not defined by my age, but rather how I live my life [no matter what age] for the Lord.
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