pretending the cross was enough

I have probably watched the movie Frozen more times than most children have and more times than a 22 year old should admit to, I'll go ahead and blame the fact that I'm a nanny for about half those times, but for the most part, it was my choice. I'll admit that most of my peers also have become a bit obsessed with the movie, I mean there's an almost modern day flirty romance, the main character is about as awkward as awkward gets, family is put first, the ultimate act of love is self-sacrifice, the queen rules without a man by her side, and there are some pretty catchy songs. It's great. 

But the reason I love this movie, why it resonates so deeply within me, is because of the song "Let It Go." I know, I know, groan, roll your eyes, think about the cliche-ness of it, then hear me out.

For me, this song is my story. It's an anthem of freedom and grace.

I grew up thinking that even with the wind howling like a swirling storm inside, even when I thought I couldn't keep it in, oh heaven knows I tried. I tried to keep secrets. To live a perfect Christian life. I tried so hard to not sin because I was a Christian. Even when I messed up and my life was a hot mess, everything had to be perfect, my soul, my family, my life, everything. When everything was going to hell in a hand basket, when I was in my darkest struggles, I was taught: Don’t let them in, don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know. Pretend.

Well, now they know. I have let it go. I can't hold it back anymore. I am free. I am free in Christ. It is not by works [or lack of sin or a perfect life] that I have been saved, but it is the gift of God through Christ Jesus' sacrifice of his life. That was enough, the cross is enough.

I don’t care what they’re [the church, my family, the world] going to say, because I have been bought by the blood of Christ. My sins and my shame and my life have been made new. I have been sanctified. The cross is enough. I can let the storm rage on. My God is by my side and I can rest in his unfailing love. I no longer have to try, with no avail, to achieve perfection. In the stormy seasons, I can publicly admit my weaknesses. And The Lord will stand with me and fight for me. In those weaknesses, he is made strong. He is made strong in my homelessness, in my unemployment, in my screw ups, when I don't make the right decision. He is made strong and He loves me.

It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me. The fears of being judged. The fears of failing at being a Christian, all of these fears of what others think, can’t get to me at all. I don't have to hide the fact that I am not perfect. Because no one is. No, not one person. Somewhere on my journey of learning all this, there came the time to see what I could do, to test the limits and break through all of those rigid standards. A time where there were no rules for me. A time where I realized that  I'm free to rest in his unfailing grace. To pursue righteousness. To seek Jesus. To be filled & guided by the holy spirit. That when my heart is aligned with the Lord's, my life will be too. I am no longer bound by the old covenant, by the old rules. But instead, when I am seeking the Lord, the fruits of my spirit will the the fruits of HIS Spirit.

So, I let it go. I let go of what I thought I had to do to be the good girl that everyone thought I was. And I sought out Jesus.

So here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

I am never going back to pretending to be the perfect girl. I'm here to live authentically. To mess up. To show my flaws. To do life as a human, with other humans. And I hope you are too. I hope that my story of needing to be the perfect Christian is not your story, that you didn't mask who you are and pretend to be someone else for years because it was what the [little c] church was telling you. But if it was and you have learned to live authentically, I would love to hear your story. If it still is your story, and you are still ashamed of who you are and what you have done, know that Christ died for your sin and your shame. I want to hear your story too, I want to be human with you. Seriously.

*I am still learning to articulate my thoughts. If you have found me to be speaking against the word of God, let me know. Or if your opinion differs from mine, I would LOVE to hear it and discuss.

*There is a song that goes "be careful little ears what you hear." This is true. The things we and the children around us hear, subconsciously impact our attitudes and the way we live. Although this song speaks volumes to me about freedom and grace, there are lines in the song that do not with what I morally agree with, and they remind me that I need to guard my heart against the spirits of the world, for from my heart is the well-spring of life.